Thoughts:
There aren’t enough genuine people and relationships of substance It seems all our friendships are based around gossip and rumours and less about helping each-other though difficult times. Instead of talking about things that are going to better grow us as people we’re content connecting over mutual interest in music and cocktails. I’ll be the first to admit life hasn’t gone quite the way I imagined it, yet I’m sure a lot of people feel that way.. but none of you are talking about it. I personally want to build better friendships with the people who are already in my life who I should already know, but probably don’t know at all.
Honestly I seem to have deeper and meaningful conversations with people I’ve met on the side or the road, Uber drives, the guy I buy paints from at the local art-shop. The more I am open minded with someone the more they are opened with me, the more I learn about them, the better a friendship can grow. I’m not sure if it’s a sense of relating or understanding but I’m sick of the saying ‘you never really know anybody’ which I myself have sort of lived by, but who can say they’ve actually tried to know? when was the last time you asked a meaningful question of depth? I couldn’t care less how the weather is or what you ate for lunch, and you wonder why i don’t enjoy ‘small talk’ because that’s all it is, small.
Personally I know what It’s like to not confine in other people, I’ve been doing it for years to nobodies fault but my own. Though my dog is a great listener and i don’t even have to ‘struggle cuddle’ him anymore, he knows the drill. I’m 100% aware we don’t all think the same and can only genuinely relate to my own feelings, though I know It’s not all pain and misery but if we’re discussing what shapes a person, I feel it has a lot to do with the down sides.
‘Your heart’s a mess
You won’t admit to it
It makes no sense
But I’m desperate to connect’
I want to take a few steps forward before taking another three backwards, just like my typical nature I’ve done all things backwards this time around. You could say I’m a suppressor but then again I think we all are. I can recall a large percentage of detail to any significant moment which is pushed deep in the back of my head but instead have always chosen to share in detail the most trivial events.
The steps backwards are what lead to my significant downfall and probably the hardest time of my life to date, though I have yet to touch base on those topics, the way i dealt with things was poorly calculated and the conclusion of events changed my mindset indefinably. I changed my working hours surrounding these negative reason and self condoned voluntary isolation, because it was more plausible then fronting my issues.
The beginning, middle and end of this whole blog process will cycle back to this one topic which some people will either relate to in some way or not at all. I’d built up a lot of backlog but none of it has truly stuck.
Consequence of action: I went though a phase of constantly feeling anxious about the things i couldn’t control, nervousness and unease about shit that doesn’t overall matter. Even though i am a bit of a ‘fuck it’ personality I thought my anxiety, which i didn’t really get the joys of experiencing until my later twenties had imploded. I went to the doctor for advice, possible ways to trick myself out of it and said..
‘It usually happens in bursts, most days, mostly at work when someone is having is trying to have a serious conversation with me that i’m not leading, like i’m not sure where they are heading with it and i feel awkward with the amount of eye contact in the conversation like i’ll just start thinking about stupid stuff like what i’m doing with my hands..something completely different, the fear of loosing my mind, like maybe they can read whats on my mind and i don’t want them too. The blood will rush to my head and i’ll instantly feel sweaty, feeling like my speech is going and i’m trapped in a situation i don’t want to be in.. i’ll get blotchy rashes all the way up my chest to my face and just feel like i’m suffocating’
You’re experiencing panic attacks not anxiety as ‘unprovoked and unpredictable’ as they technically may be they still had a core they revolved around, at that moment i’d decided to offload as you will, to speak up about the significant things that have bothered me to the relatable people, the things i’d dealt with on my own, the things that had allowed me to feel so poorly connected and it helped, it was harsh and confronting but the more i spoke up the better i actually felt, i’d gone from at least a panic attack a day to maybe one a week and now, maybe one a month, i consciously dug myself out of a rabbit hole.
Without further ado lets get back into it those self exposing traumas…
Lorde – Bravado