Whilst I have been working on an entry ‘To view ones self in a negative light’ on and mostly off for quite some time, it’s mostly because it has honestly been the hardest entry to write and publish. If you don’t know by now I’ve obviously been a suppressor for most of my life, the memories don’t even get hazy years on, I can still feel the sweat between my fingers as my body and mind began to detach.
As it stands many of my entries view other un-named people in more of a negative light rather than myself (in my own opinion) hence the absence between entries.
I have been spending the last couple of months on the down low work, gym, housework, design, hanging out with my dog, Netflix and sleep last of all a solid week of contemplating the meaning of life well suffering from flu-like symptoms. I watched all three seasons of ‘The Good Place’ in my downtime which got me thinking about my existence in itself, the concept of heaven and hell and the influences our actions have on our own wellbeing, you have to do good to feel good, right?
Long story short (spoiler alert) the series is about four people who died in the same timeframe as they enter the afterlife lead to believe they’d gotten into heaven upon arrival. They’d been set up in a fake town where things would happen to make them doubt themselves, stress and turn on each-other elaborately staged as a Demons trial idea of a new type of hell. The four humans among staged actors who work in hell continue to find each other and come together to overcome the obstacles thrown their way. Every time they work out that they are not living blissfully their minds are reset for figuring out they’re not really in ‘The good place’.
I’ve always been a visual person I can’t have faith in something I can not see for myself… On my first trip to America with a friend we did a stop over both ways to Hong Kong as it made the flight cheaper and we could kill two birds with one stone and experience another country. Neither of us really enjoyed it, the smell, dripping air-cons on the sidewalk, getting lost in the continues repetitive streets, the animals hanging in the windows – I didn’t want to eat anywhere we lived off McDonald’s and Starbucks just to give a little context.
On the return stop-over after the long flight from LA to Hong Kong I experienced the most vivid undefined mixture of reality and dream state something like a hallucination. We’d gone to sleep two double beds with a table inbetween, In my dream a presence was watching over me in a literal sense, the best way I can physically describe the dark ghostly figure is in reference to the dementors in Harry Potter. A smokey yet structured warped reality of a human form floating freely in the air like a ghost under fringed blurred silk sheets, I’d woken myself in a panic to find the presence still hovering from the right corner of the room as if to keep me in my place. I’d started to say my friend’s name over and over without leaving my bed paralysed yet conscious, until she work up. Can you see that in the corner of the room? to which she confirmed, I’d asked her to explain what the figure looked like without any prompts. We could both see the same thing, we eventually tried to go back to sleep with the lights on, holding hands across the beds she’d fallen asleep and awoken calling out to me as I myself had done earlier. The dementor like figure was hovering over her as she said she could feel the pressure of it pushing her into the bed. How do you explain this? I’ve never had a positive dream like state where jesus came to me and told me everything was going to be alight now have I? If it’s so common for people to dream about demon like forms and dark disturbing content formed in nightmares where they never see the light and stairway to heaven, It can’t really be that unbelievable for one not to have the faith now can it?
My mother believes we were both fatigued from the flight but I’m opening it up for discussion, are we already in a twisted state of hell where everyone gets around breaking each other down until we’re all suicidal? Because it sure feels like it.
I’ve been asked why I write these blogs and if they are actually helpful to me and the answer is.. I write these entries as if I were writing a private journey providing myself with a log of events that have effected my outlook in one way or another, with the purest of honesty from my own point of view. Providing myself with perspective, voices of reason and just like everyone else trying to gather up purpose in reality.
I find it beneficial to feel better understood by the people around me, friends, family, anybody interested in reading about my mundane life. A weight lifted is the ultimate goal as I’d started to feel anxious not about the things I could not control but rather the outsider’s perspective. How are they to know anything if you never tried to explain it to them? The feeling of bottling and miss-understanding has a weight of its own like a letter floating over crashing waves in the ocean. I honestly have less strain on my soul as the entries flow imagine going though your whole life never really being understood.
Six months alone and I’m not loosing sleep dreaming about any of you.
(Demons included)
I want to allow you into the inner workings of my mind.. I’m in that weird stage where you feel like you’re happier alone, there I said it, I do what i want when i want. I feel like everyone wants a piece of me, and not in a good way. I question my own placement in the lives of the significant people around me as if a sense of hierarchy is going to easy my troubled mind. The blood, sweat and tears can absolutely mean more to one person and less to another I’m coming to terms with not being held in a high regard as i’d once thought and as it stands my jar is up for auction to the highest bidder.
How ironic it is that I took up boxing of all things, but at the same time completely coincidental because the prospect was an offering that I wasn’t seeking out. There’s something about sweating freely from your back to your crack in public that i love, minus the blushed face. i admire people who can get themselves up early before work everyday and self motivate to go to the gym and get a workout in, it takes some strong will power to eat right and lets face it running is painful. Boxing has taught me how to be calm, relax, breath, and channel my strength while staying focused all at the same time, it has also made me more confident come the day i have to punch my neighbour in the face. It has been five or six months now and I train and spar every week and have high hopes of knock the sense out of a complete stranger by April.
I wouldn’t say I’m much of a crier at all but show me some sad rehabilitation of a stray dog video on Facebook and I just lose it and you know what? there are so fucking many of those videos. I’ve been focusing on myself and it isn’t a bad thing, loosing at my favourite game.. I used to enjoy dating, drinks, dancing, new people, new places but right now i constantly get this overwhelming feeling that the other person is taking something away from me, getting the best of me, consuming my soul, i don’t know i can’t explain it. I’m trying to hold onto all the good parts of myself for myself, I feel myself being selfish all the time now, every second decision I make revolving purely around my own best interests. fuck it i’m going to hell now anyway, I’ve already seen the devil in its true form.
I’m about three months sober.. okay now I’m actually one day sober and I’m not talking about alcohol or drugs. I’m so used to sleeping alone again that I don’t even miss having a companion, Levi insists on sleeping on the floor at the end of my bed every night now anyway.
Maybe I just want to spend my thirtieth feeling sorry for myself drinking on a beach in another continent. Who are you to judge? I’ve been overseas many times in my adulthood, American and Mexico twice, Thailand, Bali, Fiji, New Zealand and I can tell you I’ve had a boyfriend every one of those times starting unnecessary drama with me from their living room back home and you know what I’m done. No wonder I’m afraid to settle down, you can’t predict another person when you can’t even predict yourself
and now I’m just ranting.
I’ve also come to hate the term ‘We’re not saving lives’ (they used to say it at my old work) and you know what maybe I do want to be out there saving lives and doing something meaningful with my existence, if there is a heaven I want to get in. I wish I became a midwife, a vet, a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
Tell me something you don’t want to tell me? and not just because you think I can relate to the content.
… I have so many regrets.
Bitter Sweet Symphony – The Verve