By the end of Winter 2020 during the thick of Corona Virus’ first lockdown I’d decide to move house again, my hours gradually got cut back until i was eventually made redundant and I’d had a lot more time to think about what I really want out of life. Establishing my own ABN for the Company ‘Ashwarian’ and applying to become a Nurse/Midwife I was ready to become a Mum and waiting until after marriage wasn’t a worry for me personally, age was a factor but not a decider. I was ready because I was content with myself, my partner and my home environment.
When you know, you know –
He is the only partner I could see myself having a family with in all reality. I guess you envision what it would be like with every guy you date or maybe that’s just a girl thing.. besides drinking too much I couldn’t fault him, his my favourite person.
I remember talking about babies on one of our first nights out together over an espresso martini or two.. and I didn’t bring up the topic either. He asked me if I wanted kids, a general question at 29 years of age I said something like I do but if it doesn’t happen in the next few years I probably wouldn’t want too (How long does it take to get to know someone enough to want to have a child with them?) I was almost 30. In response he said ‘Well that’s a turn off’, we can laugh about it now.
Fast -forward a year later we were already living together, stuck at home, going for daily walks, I’d asked him on a long walk around the swamp the the dog ‘Do you want to have a baby?’ he’d said ‘yes’ instantly so i’d questioned how serious he was taking my gesture by the time I decided to go off the pill and had my first real period (which is quite different to a pill period and the ‘egg whites’ but I’ll let you experience that one yourself…
The embryo implants in the womb –
I downloaded this app (Pregnancy+) where you log your periods and it will tell you the most fertile days of your cycle, you also log the days you have unprotected sex, there’s a bit more to it but thats the basis of it. Everything happened very quickly, I think it was only two months into ‘trying’ I’d also bought those ovulation sticks which show up a smiley face when you are fertile as it is only about four days of the month. The stick tracks the peak of the luteinising hormone I believe these were helpful in the quick process also even though we ‘tried’ almost everyday anyway. (do recommend, you won’t enjoy it so much when you want to vomit everyday). I can tell you she was conceived on the 1st of October 2020 and we’d announced on Christmas Eve.
Pregnancy –
That glow everyone talks about, bullshit. how did I know when I was pregnant? I vomited for no apparent reason and didn’t stop vomiting since. I felt nauseous all the time, I was taking myself to the doctors weekly, I had to take Zofran wafer tablets just to get through the day and you could only get four individual wafers per prescription. You name it, I experienced it, mood swings, highs, lows, constipation, extreme swelling of the feet, fingers and even lips at one stage. Everyone was constantly telling me ‘thats just pregnancy but honestly I didn’t feel myself for the whole nine months and the fact that I felt nobody understood how bad I was actually feeling only made me feel worse, constantly. I was appreciative for Corona Virus because it gave me the space to breathe, I couldn’t even keep a pregnancy diary because it would have gone something like.. Vomited today.. couldn’t concentrate enough to watch the TV.. today I’m off dairy, chocolate and anything I actually like, resorted to coke slurpees as a source of nourishment.
Towards the end of my pregnancy things only got worse and I was on and off diagnosed with Preeclampsia ‘A potentially dangerous pregnancy complication characterised by high blood pressure’ by different Doctors at the Hospital. By the last month of pregnancy it was confirmed and I was in and out of the hospital every couple of days, I had two admissions where I had to have sleep overs in the postpartum ward alone. I had to have blood tests every couple of days with at least two to three appointments a weeks at the hospital for the month of June, I had to get my blood pressure taken all the time, ultrasounds, baby monitoring, protein in the urine, Taking blood pressure tablets every eight hours with the blood pressure issues lasted up until a couple of weeks after birth.
My Birth Story –
First of all I did not have a birth plan, when I was asked by the nurse on the day of induction I said I’d prefer not to have an epidural if I could help it. The suggestion was that I could have a shot in the leg or morphine if the pain go too unbearable. Apart from that I wanted to have a photograph of the baby laying next to the placenta straight after birth before cutting the cord, this too was not to be.
Given the nature of my pregnancy I was scheduled to be induced earlier on at 37 weeks gestation, The birthing suite ended up calling me early in the morning and asking if I could come in at 9:30am as they had an opening, which was good because I didn’t get much time to overthink the whole thing. My weekly Midwife appointment turned into Doctor appointments instead due to the progression of my preeclampsia symptoms it was in these last few appointments I was told the induction would be a ‘Balloon’ approach I’d researched a little about this method but still didn’t know much about this process.
The rules surrounding the lockdowns meant I had to go to every appointment and stay at the Hospital by myself up until you’re in the birthing suit where your partner can stay with you the whole time and a second birthing partner can be there while your’e in active labour, which my Mother came in for.
9:30 AM
Wednesday 23rd of June 2021
On the Wednesday morning upon checking into the birthing suite, The Doctor had tried to insert the Balloon cathider but could not get it into the opening, the decision was made to start me off with a Cervidil for induction. The way the Doctor explained this to me was that it’s a prostaglandin which is pushed up into the vagina on a string like a tampon for 12 hours to soften the cervix. This process didn’t do much for me as after 12 hours my cervix has opened only 1cm.
At approximately 9:30 PM they tried Prostin gel which is used when the cervix hasn’t ripened by itself this is also inserted into the vagina to which we had to wait 24 hours this bought on inconsistent contractions which weren’t painful I felt more or less just tightening and release of the muscles in my stomach and was still able to walk around the ward and to the cafeteria and back pain free. This method also did not work in opening my cervix at all so once again a Doctor was bought in to discuss what to try next.
Thursday afternoon I was told not to eat dinner which was disheartening, I knew she’d be coming at some point that afternoon and thought maybe they were going to tell me I needed a C Section if things didn’t start to progress. Mum had come in for the big show when they’d decided to try again with the Ballon catheter as I’d dilated almost 2cmm there’d be more chance of getting it in this time. The Ballon was too artificially break my waters with Oxytocin. The process was uncomfortable but as soon as the Balloons were inflated I started to feel my first lot of (what I thought were) real contractions a lot more uncomfortable to what I’d experienced the 12 hours prior.
This was the first time I’d asked for pain relief and started sucking down a bit of Gas every time a contraction came around, both of my birthing partners had fallen asleep after eating dinner and sitting around for a few hours, one on my hospital bed and the other on the fold out couch. Meanwhile I was calmly bouncing on the gym ball into the early hours of Friday the 25th. Starting to get a little lightheaded from the gas I shuffled over to the bed and wedged myself in on the side, within minutes of laying down I felt a POP in my stomach, laying still for a couple of moments I then felt another POP and in my mind knowing the ‘Balloon’ was two inflated bits I thought they were what had popped. Followed by a stronger contraction which was more unbearable than those I had gotten used to with the gas, you get used to the intensity of a certain pain and when it progresses quickly its all a bit too much.
I said get the midwife, press the button, not so calmly, When she came into the room I told her what I thought had happened and she told me it doesn’t work like that. the whole thing was very frustrating I told her my water had broken then, but there was no water. I was in too much pain to even sit up, clenching at the arm railing of the bed. She kept insisting I got up and went to the toilet. This was probably the point I’d started carrying on a little bit, I remember swearing. My partner came around to my side of the bed and pulled me up – this was where everything moved really quickly, the gravity of standing up made my waters rush out between both of us. How it always happens in the movies, it was bloody, pink and warm, trailing me the whole way to the toilet seat.
I had about three contractions between being on the toilet I remember them fondly as I was out of reach of the gas machine to take the edge off the pain. While peeing on the toilet as quickly as I could the midwife pulling the balloon out, I had to endure another contraction before being able to drag myself back to the bed. I tried to make the trip as quick as possible to I could be back in reach of the gas.
Once back on the bed my Midwife/Nurse wanted to check my cervix progression and I didn’t want to let her, everything was hurting too much, when she checked she said I was over 5cm, my version of events from this point are very slim – The alarm was raised a code pink (obstetric Emergency) which I had to look up on the Mercy medical student handbook ‘health problems that are life-threatening for pregnant women and their babies’.
Things escalated quickly within what felt like minutes I was being told to push, I remember screaming, yelling that i was dying, they earlier suggested i could have a morphine shot but when I asked stated it was too late and they could see the head. I kept my eyes closed for 90% of the delivery, I remember feeling sweat beads dripping off my head, my partner holding my right leg up behind my head and a midwife holding the other, bent back like a pretzel.
Yelling that I was pooing and not pushing the baby out, when in reality I was doing both, someone asked if I wanted to feel the head, which I didn’t I was in enough shook as it was, Mum yelled ‘Ash she has hair!’ I only briefly opened my eyes a couple times, not enough to notice how many people were in the room or that the Doctor was using a vacuum to help pull the babies head out I feel like I only tried to push about twice.
I was sucking the gas so much it was feeling like I was going in and out of different dimensions I felt like I was outside of my body half the time and could hear everything that was going on but couldn’t bring myself to see or react too much. I felt the pull of her coming out and a tug on the umbilical cord as she was placed onto my stomach for a brief moment still curled up and warm. Everything from the water breaking to the birth was lightening quick both the baby and I were in a world of shock, I’m told it was a total or 20, 30 minutes total.
They’d gotten my partner to quickly cut the cord and she was swiftly taken over to a table to my left, there was no scream which everyone waits for the babies first scream right? I was feeling quite calm though as I’d had way to much gas that I’d been eventually cut of during the pushing process as I don’t think I was pulling my weight.
I didn’t know what was happening but it didn’t sound great, this was my first scan of the room, there were 10 people surrounding the baby and I. The Doctor started giving me stitches for a second degree tear up my left side after giving me a needle in my leg and putting a painkiller tablet up my rectum as far as I recall. I Could feel every stitch as it was being sewn five in total I believe, they weren’t painful though, all the pain stopped as soon as she was delivered, it was like every last symptom of pregnancy just melted away. During this process the baby was being looked over, given oxygen and whatever else they had to do as she was very still and limp from the quick labour. My partner was still standing by my side a recall telling him to go and check on the baby, he bought her over shortly after, born at 1:59 am June 25th 2021 a tiny little girl.
Postpartum –
My postpartum journey started the moment everybody left the room, I laid in my own blood for a couple of hours as I didn’t want to see what had become of my vagina. The midwife sat an opened pad underneath me and left for a fair while.. eventually I got up and showered ready to walk to the postpartum suite, feeling surprisingly good with only a bit of swellings, there wasn’t even as much blood as I had anticipated after the initial show.
I spent the weekend, staying until the Monday as the baby had jaundice her and I spent a whole night feeding and expressing while she was laying on a billy-blanket in the room, which didn’t work. She ended up having to spend an extra 24 hours in the Special Care Nursery under the blue lights getting a Summers tan as I got discharged, came back to feed her in the middle of the night, then again at 6:00am to spend the remainder of her stay by the incubator, the baby was home by the 29th 5:56pm.
Peeing felt fine initially after the birth but this was all before the painkillers from stitches wore off.. a couple of hours passed and going to the toilet became the worst task of my day. There was a strong stinging sensation every time I pee’d, trying many solutions to make the experience more bearable, squirting water on myself during, holding paper towel against myself, peeing in the shower, nothing was easing the pain and I begun subconsciously not drinking much so I wouldn’t have to go so much. I spent a solid week or two peeing into a hot face-washer in the shower and over the toilet, I’d gotten at least four people Doctor, Midwives to visually inspected my downstairs before leaving the hospital. It wasn’t until my one week check up at the hospital when I bought it up again that the health Nurse checked and discovered I had been grazed down the inner side of my vagina, which eventually healed. This was my worst postpartum lingering feeling.
Once home I started to notice the stretch marks, I went though 90% of the pregnancy without getting any, it was only until the head had dropped down and some point that I’d noticed a couple of long ones low on my left side I ended up getting them only bellow the belly button and surprisingly on the vagina area, must have been from the big push out..I don’t know. My stomach started going back down quite quickly, everyday I could see a change which is still in the process.
There was some constipation earlier on, fuelled by my paranoia of the stitches I could not see, to be fair it took about a week before I actually tried to look down there and I was told they were almost dissolved on the day of discharge. I felt like I’d gotten a couple of hemorrhoids too with on and off discomfort, shooting pain up the vagina when walking too much but apart from that I was mostly just stoked all the other symptoms of pregnancy were gone. I didn’t cry, I didn’t experience any unhappiness or downs, the most consistent symptom I’ve had has been the night sweats, waking up in a pile of sweat overnight around 3:00AM to this day, it’s still happening over six weeks on I know this is a sight effect of the decreased levels of Estrogen and Progesterone hormones but it’s painful and I’m already washing up after enough vomit and poop situations to add a sheet change to ever second day.
Missing Piece – Vance Joy
